Confidence

Confidence is a desirable trait.  Especially for entrepreneurs. 

When you have confidence in yourself, you move through the world more easily.  You take action more quickly.  You don't procrastinate.  You have the tough conversations you want to have.  Your voice doesn't shake as much.  You don't numb emotions with sugar or alcohol.  You look forward to tasks.

When you don't have confidence in yourself, everything feels heavier.

But where does confidence come from?  How do we "find" it or create it?

Two Sources of Confidence

There are two ways to find confidence in yourself, and I'll posit that one is more helpful than the other.

First - you can find confidence in your ability to create an outcome.  "I have confidence that I will nail this presentation."  This kind of confidence comes from a track record of results (I've done things like this before and can do it again) or from delusion (I could have done better than Pat Mahomes on that play).

The second way to create confidence is by getting to the root of the issue: dealing with the fear that necessitates confidence.

Confidence is like medication - you only think about medication when you are feeling dis-ease.  And you only think about needing confidence when you are feeling fear.  When you are healthy, you don't think about your state of health.  In the same way, when you do not feel fear, you do not feel confident or un-confident.  You're simply okay!

Fear Creates Confidence

To illustrate, you probably don't think about needing confidence when you're giving a presentation that you don't care about or talking with family that knows and loves you.  Not because you're certain of the outcome, but because you're not afraid of loosing something valuable.

The times you think about and desire confidence are times when you feel the fear of losing something you value.  That fear is uncomfortable.  It's threatening.  So we look to find a state of Being that covers over this fear - and we call that state confidence.

But if we deal with the root fear, then the need for confidence goes away.  Just like healing disease dissolves the need (and even the thought) of medicine.

So how do you deal with the fear of losing something valuable?  Can that even be done?

In the spiritual traditions, it is said that our False Self - our ego, persona, narratives about ourself - is where fear comes from.

Our False Self thinks that it can "gain" or "lose" things because it thinks it is a separate self.  It identifies with its circumstances or its approval rating from others. 

The True Self, on the other hand, knows who it really is.  Spirit, soul, essence cannot gain or lose anything, so it has no fear.

People think highly of me me today - great!
People don't like me today - great!

Nothing has been lost or gained either way.  I am and will always be the fullness of who I have always been.

This doesn't mean that fear isn't a real, valid and even necessary emotion!  It is not a defect but an essential and helpful tool for being a human being that wants to steer clear of danger and stay alive.  Fear is like a dashboard light helping you navigate through life, avoiding situations that could harm you or others.  Like when my son starts chocking on a grape or when I realize I’m driving the wrong way on a one way road.

But when we are identified with the False Self, the fear light on the dashboard becomes overactive.  It can be triggered by events or thoughts that don't actually threaten you.

What if they are thinking about me this way... What if that conversation tomorrow doesn't go well...

Letting Go of Fear and Confidence

The irony is that the fear response can actually hurt your performance in the very situations you are so desperately wanting to go well!

The False Self often finds itself getting anxious and tense at the very times it would perform better if it was in peace and freedom.  That's what happens when the wrong engine is driving you.  Things break down.  More fuel, more medicine, more confidence isn't the answer.  A different engine is.

The False Self oscillates between fear and confidence.  The True Self knows it is safe so it can simply enjoy and be present to whatever is going on.

I recently had a sales call with an an entrepreneur that I admired.  She's high-performing, had a track record of success and she was stepping into a big new venture that led her to want coaching.  Before the call, I could feel the fear of "losing this sale," or loosing the relationship or the money.  I could feel the threat of losing my confidence as a coach if they rejected me.  My False Self identified with all of these things - finances, identity as a coach, others perception of me.

I spent some time before the call becoming aware of these feelings and stories.  Without fighting them, I just sat with them in awareness and understanding.  Then I spent a couple minutes speaking what I call my "Declarations" - the statements I've written about what is true about me, who I am and what I'm here to do.

Then I had my call.

Did I feel some fear?  Sure.  Did I try to conjure up some confidence to cover the fear?  Sometimes.  I still find myself in my False Self more often than I'd like.  But I also felt many times of relaxing into the conversation and being present with this person, without thinking about what I might "gain" or "lose."  It was a wonderful glimpse into the place I want to live more of my life from.

I also "got" the client.  But the outcome feels secondary to the lesson I'm learning about confidence.  I don't need confidence when I'm living from my True Self.  There's nothing valuable being threatened.  There's nothing valuable I can lose here.  There's no fear from that place.  Only when I find value in the stories of my ego is there anything I can lose.  That's when there's anxiety and tension, that's when I crave confidence as a salve for my fear.

From the True Self, I am whole and good and safe.  There's peace and joy and freedom.  And I get to experience this call with another beautiful and interesting person (as opposed to perform or even manipulate this call), and see if there might be value I can add to her life.

May you tune into those moments where you crave confidence.  May you listen to the feelings that confidence tries to cover over.  Get in touch with the fear that thinks it might lose something valuable.  May you come to find out that in most situations, there's nothing real that you can gain.  And nothing valuable that you can lose.